The Umpire Strikes Back
by The Cheshire Cheese
Summary: The "Star Wars" saga is retold from a space-bound baseball stadium, where the battle for the galaxy is played with lightsabers and a thermal detonator. Luke battles the Evil Umpire; R2 shoots hotdogs from his dome; Lando struggles to keep both the scores and his own sanity; Han is frozen in beer; and Leia gets revenge on Jabba for making her cheerlead in a gold bikini.
1. Ewok Pod Racing

**A/N: I don't own "Star Wars."**

**This story was written years ago, during a long weekend when I was in high school, and very bored. Now in my twenties, I'm updating all of fanfictions, with better proofreading and new details. **

**I am NOT a sports fan, and do not know much about baseball. (I referred to how-to websites for rules on how the game works.) However, I enjoy being in baseball *stadiums,* and that, more than the game itself, is what this fic is about. Enjoy.**

**THE UMPIRE STRIKES BACK**

* * *

The explosive screams tested the eardrums of any fan who hadn't come to the Death Ball Stadium pre-drunk. Adults and children of all species waved their baseball caps (bearing either the ax-like Rebel symbol of the Milwaukee Jedi, or the round gray symbol of the Chicago Siths), and their Styrofoam light sabers with THE FORCE IS WITH US or DARK SIDE logos, yelling for the game to start.

From the announcer box, the commentator tugged nervously at his cape collar, and cleared his throat. "Everyone, uh, this is your commentator Lando Calrissian." The violent tension was rising among the hundreds of humans, Wookies, Sandpeople, Klingons, Crab People, Smurfs, teenagers, and other creatures in the bleachers. "It'll be another minute or so until our visiting team gets here, so, so how about another relay race! Any Ewoks in this stadium? Come on up and pick out a pod racer!"

Lando ducked as a round of blaster lasers and sloppy food came flying in through his window.

"Man, they are gonna start eating each other!" he hisses to his mouse-like sound operator. "When are those blasted Siths going to get here?"

Down below, the race had begun, though few were watching it. Of the Ewoks who'd actually grasped that they were supposed to be racing around the field—rather than spinning in a circle, or taking off Rodians' heads while exploring the bleachers—one had already crashed into a cell-phone billboard against the wall and exploded. The rest were speeding around the track, just barely hanging on with their furry front paws.

"…and it looks like Stripy here's our winner! How about a round of applause for the little guy, ain't those Ewoks just the cutest little things you ever-"

A pig-faced Sith-fan stood up and shot the winning Ewok dead with his blaster.

"Oh all right now _that_ was uncalled for. Security!"

The fan hollered alien insults and made rude hand gestures at Lando, as two Storm Troopers dragged him out of the bleachers to be sucked into space. At the same time, another Trooper walked onto the field and gave Lando a good-news salute.

"Finally! And now Ladies and…things, our home team," Lando paused, until the roar of cheers died down, "…_the Milwaukee Jedi_!"

The alien band played that one sportsy song (does it even have a name?), and the Jedi jogged in proudly as Lando called their names.

"Obi Wan Kenobi! That's the young one from the prequels, ladies! Qui Gon Jinn! Master Yoda! Mace Windu! ….Sooome guy whose head looks like a banana! That blue lady—her name escapes me but she still rocks—and Princess Leia Organa!"

From one of the dark tunnels in the walls, the young blond batboy watched the team in awe. "I can't wait till I have enough experience to join the Jedi! I'm gonna be a great batter, just like my father!"

"And now for our visiting team." Lando put on a staged scowl. "The Chicago Siths!"

The large screen next to the scoreboard played a clip from the funniest film of all time.

"Bring out ye dead!" _clink_. "Bring out ye dead!" _clink. _

"Darth Maul! Darth Tyranus!" (_"I'm not dead!" "You're not foolin' anyone, you know."_) "Darth Vader! Lotta Darths. General Grievous- is he a Jedi? The heck's he doing here? And Mara Jade! Boy she looks pissed."

A bent old creep in a black cloak floated across the field, on an anti-grav throne.

"And our Umpire, Darth Sidius."

Princess Leia groaned. "That Sidius geezer is so biased. We might as well forfeit now and call it a game!"

"I don't trust him." Windu agreed, watching the Umpire with folded arms.

The band sang a drawn out, off-key version of the American National Anthem (even though the U.S. was lighters away). Then the Evil Umpire flipped a coin, waving his hand to make it land on heads. Qui Gon interfered, and for a tense six minutes it somersaulted around the field like a fish out of water, until a fan finally hollered, "It's tails! Go!"

The blond batboy was still gawking at the pros when his uncle and boss hissed, "Luke! How about them getting' them bats 'n baseball!"

"Sorry Uncle Owen, I was distracted!"

Luke rushed to the mound and handed Leia a metal handle, then tosses the standard Thermal Detonator to the pitcher Yoda. (This slightly dangerous ball was why helmets were required). Leia ignited her fiery blue bat, hit the ball on the first try, and ran! People cheered her on and booed her as she passed 1st base…2nd…3rd…

She was yards away from Home Plate when Darth Vader made the cheapest move. Flicking his hand, he used the Force to yank out one of her hairpins. One of her spiral braids unravels, and Leia's legs got tangled in her own Rupunzle hair. She screamed and the audience gasped as she tumbled neck-first into the wall. The rest of her upside-down body splashed in the mud.

Medical droids quickly took Leia out on an anti-gravity sled. Darth Sidius turned on the microphone on his chair arm. "The Jedi have until the Second Inning to find a replacement, or I shall assign one to them."

Jedi fans hollered angrily and threw various objects at him. The Umpire lazily deflected all of it with bolts of lightning.

Obi Wan shook his head. "That girl was our last hope."

"No." Master Yoda said. "There is another."


	2. The Mose Eisley Nacho Catinia

**A/N: **

**I don't own Star Wars, Spaceballs, Monty Python, or any of the Hip-hop artists I'm about to make fun of.**

**If there's anything wrong with the rules in this game, it's because of the Umpire.**

* * *

R2D2 rolled passed the bleachers, shooting brats out of his dome. Some were caught by fans; others flew clean over the stadium and floated away into space. The last was headed strait for an eager 7-year-old, but suddenly turned to the left and flew into the Umpire's hand.

The teenaged batboy was in the supply room, picking out a fresh bat. "Purple or green?" he bit his lip, glancing from one to the other. The droid rolled in and started bumping against him and bleeping frantically.

"No R2, go away—no! I don't want a hotdog!"

A British man's voice broke in. "I believe he's saying that he has a message for you, my young batboy."

Luke dropped both lightsabers (which cut through the floor and fell through). "Oh my god, you're Obi Wan Kenobi! Can I have your autograph dude? Here, sign my baseball card," Luke dug through his dirty uniform for his deck.

"Goodness Skywalker, you are annoying. Just take the droid's message already!"

R2 projected a small blue Leia on a bench. The princess was sitting on a sofa, covered in bandages, one arm in a sling. She wore jeans and "Spaceballs: the T-shirt!" Her spiral hair buns had been restored. Her baseball uniform, now washed, was folded up next to her.

"Luke, you must help me. I can't finish playing for my team, and someone has to take my place before the Umpire picks-"

"Who is she?" Luke gasped. "She's beautiful!"

"I'm your sister you idiot."

"Oh…yeah. I thought you looked familiar."

Leia rolled her eyes to the side. "Anyway. I overheard the Umpire and Darth Vader talking… well, more eavesdropped on them with the Force…but if you don't come down here, get this uniform, and learn to play baseball in ten minutes, then the new player for the Jedi will be—"

A Storm Trooper slammed his hand over the camera, as Leia screamed. "All right Missy, that's enough." The message went to static.

"I get to play for the Jedi!" Luke's eyes were dewy. "I have practiced and dreamed of this since I was three years old!"

"Then let us make haste!" The bish Jedi master put up his hood. "Come, Master Yoda and I will teach you the ways of the-"

"Yah yah in a few minutes. I'm starving, let's get some nachos." Luke left the room and headed up the bleachers.

Obi Wan sighed and followed him.

* * *

The dark, concrete wall of the food court boomed with rap music, Terrestrial and otherwise.

"Man, $12 for a little thing of nachos? Where are we, New Jersey?"

"Luke," Obi Wan ran a hand through his brown hair. "We do not have time for—Oh my, is that 50 Cent?"

"Who?" Luke grabbed his $12 nachos and followed Obi Wan to a fairly crowded part of the food court.

Some tables had been pushed aside for a rap/break-dancing battle. Contestants included actual artists, as well as some weirdoes from the stadium. Right now it was Fifty vs. the blue elephant muppet from Jabba's palace. It was a close bet, people were cheering equally loudly for both rappers. Fifty raised an eyebrow mischievously, and peeled off his shirt. The screams of the females in the audience won him $60.

"Aw, I wanted Dumbo ta win." Luke said crunching nachos, sitting down at a table with Obi Wan.

"Our next contestants," The announcer glanced at her schedule. "Emminem and Han Solo! _D.J., spin that sh-t_!"

The famous blond rapper swaggered up and glared at his opponent; a collage-aged boy in a black jacket, a couple of blings—one with a screeching falcon on it, the other shaped like a $-and a sideways cap over his dark brown hair that read "Corillia."

Luke choked on his food. "Emminem's _white?!_"

Obi Wan turned his head to Luke and stared at him.

Eminem's performance was essentially him coughing up random combinations of swear words, while doing an impression of a daddy longlegs after it's hit with Raid. That Solo kid on the other hand was amazing. His rap sucked of course—something about people trying to kill him and how he made the Kessle Run in less than 12 parsecs, blah blah blah—but his break dancing was like "the Matrix" sped up!

"…so you think you're the only Cracker who can rap? Well you just got served Homie so…yeah!"

His ending sucked, but his moves had compensated. The audience had spoken. Solo was handed a fistful of ten-dollar bills. He walked away from the "stage" and the fuming Emminem, so Fergie and one of the Sandpeople could take over. A tall, hairy creature joined up with him.

"Okay if we sit here?" Han asked Look. "Everywhere else's taken."

"Oh sure!" Luke said eagerly.

"Certainly."Obi-Wan moved aside to make room.

As Han Solo and the hairy creature took a seat, Luke handed Solo a napkin. "Can I have your autograph, Emminem?"

"I'm Han Solo."

"Oh."

Han flipped through his new money. "So we got a hundred 'seventy now Chewie. That should last us on gas for another week, unless the prices raise again."

Chewie growled a response.

"What is that big, hariy, growly thing anyway?" Luke pointed to Chewbacca.

Han shrugged. "It's a male college student. What's it look like?"

Luke finished the last crumbs of his chips and looked around. "Is there any food here that's less than ten dollars? I'm still starving! I think I'm having my growth spurt."

"About time." Obi Wan muttered.

Han lowered his voice. "How about some peanuts? 25 cents a bag." Chewie reached into his pouch and dangled a fair sized bag of peanuts from Save-A-Lot under the table.

"Gee," Luke cocked his head and spoke loudly. "Don't you need a license or something to sell stuff here?"

Han hissed for quiet.

Luke bought the peanuts. "So how the heck do you do those dance moves?" he asked, dumping the whole bang in his mouth.

"Luke, 3 minutes." Obi Wan said checking his watch. "We're not going to make it down in time!"

"Well you get used to it when you're dodging laser blasts every—" _Spew! Spew!_ "—Every ten minutes." Han glanced behind him. Some security guards were slowly making their way into the food court. "Well we'd better get going. Chewie, run ahead and get the ship ready."

"Wait!" Obi Wan called. "Where are you parked?"


	3. No Flying Under the Bleachers, Please

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of this, except the stupidity.**

* * *

"She's right over by our seats." Solo said, leading Luke and Obi Wan out of the food court. "Now I don't mean to sound like a greedy mercenary or anything, but we're poor collage students, and you know the Evil Empire's jacking up the gas prices as we speak,"

"Yes, yes." Obi Wan pulled out a fiver and levitated it into Solo's hand.

They were walking down the bleachers when a thug suddenly pressed a semi-automatic to Han's chest. It was Emminem.

"Going somewhere, Whitey?"

"Excuse me." Han pushed the gun away. He tried walking around Emminem, but the rapper blocked him.

"So you think you can just steal rap from us Black people, huh?"

The singer Fergie stared at Emminem oddly. "Uh, Emminem, what do ya mean, _us_—?"

"No! I'll frikking kill this cracker! Say your prayers, White Boy!"

_Bang!_

Han blew smoke away from his blaster.

"You killed him!" Luke gasped, staring down at Emminem's smoking body.

"Naw," Fergie lifted her friend up under his arms, and began dragging him into the seats. "He gets shot all the time. He'll just have a headache for a while is all."

Han lead Luke and Obi Wan into the seats. "Right down there." He pointed down. Just a few feet under the bleachers was a rusty convertible. "Beautiful, isn't she? I was gonna call her the Century Fox, till I found out some movie company already trademarked the name. So I called her the Millennium Falcon instead."

"How fast is it?" Obi Wan asked, doing a jedi-summersault into the back seat.

Luke attempted to copy Obi Wan. He landed next to his Master, but on his head, groaning.

"She's fast enough for you, Old Man!" Han said, putting her into gear.

"I'm 37!" Obi Wan said angrily

"Huh?" Han looked back at him.

"I'm 37, I'm not old!"

Luke finally pushed himself back up in a sitting position. "Was that all a Monty Python reference?"

A swallow suddenly flew over them and dropped a coconut on Obi Wan's head. The _thunk_ got the attention of the security guards.

"Hey! I hope you're not planning to fly that thing through the-"

The car's rocket boosters fired up, and it sped away at Ludicrous Speed.

"Woa! Look up!" Luke was starring up like a turkey, mesmerized by the blur of bleachers streaking passed.

Chewie grunted in response.

"Flyball!" Luke yelled suddenly.

Han swerved so Luke could catch it. Luke pawed at the air. The thermal detonator bounced off his blond head and knocked into a ticket hustler behind them, blowing him through the roof. He screamed like a Storm Trooper.

"Sorry!" Luke called.

* * *

Leia was stretched out on the couch with her braids down. Bored out of her skull, the princess added another hairpin to the 4-foot ATAT walker she'd been building. That was when the Falcon crashed halfway through the wall of the Infirmary. The wheels were still rolling in midair. Her model slanted over and toppled.

"About time." She said fisting up the baseball uniform.

She grabbed the side of the car with her good arm and swung in next to Luke.

"Thanks!" He took the uniform. "Wait, you're coming with us?"

"Well yah, I'm going to watch you! Do you expect me to sit in this broom closet and build an army of Walkers out of pins for the rest of the night?"

The Storm Troopers soon caught up with them, shooting laser blasts at the car. Han spun around shot a few Storm Troopers dead. Unfortunately, the fight was distracting him from his driving.

"Look out!" Leia hollered, as a bleacher pole took off the Falcon's rearview mirror.

"What was that?!" Han paused his shooting and craned his head around, watching the little mirror _clink _and _clunk_ around the bleachers.

"Give me that!" Leia swiped the blaster from Han. "_I'll_ shoot. _You_ drive, flyboy!"

"Whatever you say, sweetheart!" Han snapped, and hit the gas.

* * *

**A/N: Search your feelings. How stupid is this story? Tell me in a review. Thanks for reading.**


	4. Flyball!

**A/N: Thanks for reviewing! And you will be greatly rewarded…with two more pages of stupidity. (Oh, and I don't own any of the upcoming songs in this story. The lyrics have extra vowels in them, so I didn't exactly plagiarize.)**

* * *

The Millennium Falcon soared out of the bleachers and over the field, approaching the baseball diamond. Luke was tugging on his baseball helmet. It was a relief that he and Leia were twins, and that these baseball uniforms were unisex, so Leia's fit him perfectly. Down below, the crowd was getting restless; everyone was tired of watching the four performers jogging around the field in a furry, pantomime bantha costume, waving a Milwaukee Jedi flag. From this height, Leia thought the "bantha" looked like one of those fuzzy caterpillars, one that wasn't sure which end of its body was supposed to be its head and kept stretching back and forth like an accordion as it tried to decide which direction to turn in.

Obi Wan leaned over the edge of the car, looking out at the field, then looked back at Han. "There's our team. Drop us off here."

"But Ben," Luke wined, "I still don't know how to play—"

"It's like the baseball you play at Recess, but with a bigger crowd screaming at you!"

"But—"

Obi Wan shoved Luke out of the car, gave the other three a salute, and did a Pocahontas-dive out of the Falcon. The Jedi master finished his dive with a jedi summersault and landed on his feet. Luke landed on his head and drove halfway through the ground, Wile E. Coyote style. Luke wined some muffled comments under the earth, until Qui Gon Jin lifted him out of the ground with the Force.

"My god Skywalker," Qui Gon said in his calm, observant tone, "you're worse than that Weasly Crusher brat from Star Trek."

"I wouldn't go that far," Windu said fairly.

The Falcon flew over the field and vanished into the bleachers.

The Umpire raised his arms for silence and announced, in that evil, menacing voice of his, "The time for the Jedi to pick a replacement is complete. Since they have not found one, the person I have assigned them will take over."

The new player ran onto the field, waving his ugly arms in triumph. "Oh muy muy, mesa LOVIN' baseball! My can't wait to try swinging one of dosa lightsabers!"

The blue Twi-lek Jedi grabbed her face and screamed.

"No!" Luke ran to Jar Jar, whipping out a green lightsaber. "The Jedi have found a replacement!"

Jar Jar's eyes bugged out, as Luke bounded towards him, realizing his fate. "OH NOOO…!"

* * *

In the stands, Han, Leia, and Chewie turned around and looked behind them, along with several others in the crowd. Han's eyes were huge, and Leia gasped.

"Daddy look!" a seven-year-old girl behind them bounced in her seat, laughing. "I caught Jar Jar's head!"

"Save it Nadine," the girl's proud father said, "and Daddy will mount it in your room when we get home!"

* * *

"Well I don't know about you all, but I enjoyed watching that!" Lando announced, and for once, he actually got a few laughs. "And now Ladies and Scoundrels, the Second Inning!"

"Luke," Qui Gon put a hand on the dweeb's shoulder, "The Force will be with you."

Luke looked up at the wise old Jedi. "Who are you? ...Cut your hair, Hippie!"

* * *

"Come on Luke, run! Run!" Leia waved her purple Styrofoam lightsaber madly. "Almost there almost- _**YES!**_"

She'd screamed in Han's ear, knocking over him, along with the small boom box he'd been holding on his shoulder. He climbed back up and fixed the antenna.

_Play that funky mu-u-sic whiiite boy! _

"Will you turn that thing down, I can't her the game. Actually," Leia switched the station to the game they were at, so they could hear Lando's cementation over the radio. "Keen gear, now it's like we're hearing double!"

Han groaned. Fighting over the radio station with her wasn't worth the effort however, not even to cure his boredom. So instead, he picked up Leia's paper program, and began to doodle mustaches and speech bubbles over all the players.

"You don't believe in sports, do you?" Leia said, folding her arms.

"Princess," Han said, "I have been from—Hey!" The 7-year-old was dangling Jar Jar's head in front of them, shaking it so the tongue and googly eyes swung back and forth. Han batted it away, giving a disgusted look, and continued. "I've been from one end of this galaxy to the other, I've seen all kinds of crazy things. But I ain't never saw what was so _fascinating_ about someone hitting a ball with a bat. It's like the watching-paint-dry channel. It's all a buncha' pointless competition if you ask me. I ain't in this for the home team, I'm here for the food and the music."

Someone screamed "Flyball!", and the thermal detonator landed between Han and Leia. It ticked eight times, then exploded.


	5. Dunk! The! Slug!

**Disclaimer: I am not drunk.**

* * *

Another round had passed; Luke Skywalker was up to bat once again; and he had just noticed that Leia and Han's seats had gone up in smoke.

"Are they having a barbecue over there?" Luke wondered aloud.

"Luke!" Qui Gon yelled. "Hit the ball!"

"Haha you said 'ball.'" Luke laughed.

"LUKE!" Obi Wan hollered from the pitcher's mound. "THE BALL!"

Luke looked up and saw the thermal detonator falling towards him. Remembering what happened with the flyball under the bleachers, Luke searched himself frantically. "Bat, where's the bat?"

"Beep brrr bleep!"

R2-D2, rolling around shooting hotdogs again, turned towards Luke, and shot him a fresh new lightsaber.

Luke caught it just in time to take a swing at the ball. He missed, and it singed his arm.

"Ooo, Strike…I don't know what number we're on." Lando Calrissian was sick of announcing. He was only working in this madhouse so he could earn money for a new car. He wished, for the millionth time, that he hadn't lost his old flying Cadillac ne to his college roommate Han Solo in a burping contest.

Luke missed the next strike. On the third, Obi Wan cheated with the Force and made the ball float towards Luke's lightsaber. And Luke still managed to miss it.

"Well then, you are lost." Obi Wan shouted at Luke, over the roar of screams and boos.

"What about taco sauce?" Luke hollered back.

* * *

Leia, Han, and Chewie were brushing soot of themselves and trying to press down their up-standing hair. With her enormous hair, Leia looked like a heroine from an 80s movie; Chewie looked like a gigantic koosh-ball.

The seven-year-old, Nadine, and her father, were not hit by the blast. Jar Jar's head was partially burned and very disgusting looking, to her great joy. She now took to waving it at every unfortunate person who sat or walked by.

"Awe, our popcorn's burned," Leia held up the cup of blackened kernels. "Well, maybe some of it's still good,"

"No, NO! _Oh_," Han pulled out the wad of money from his pocket, and watched with defeat, as it curled up in tiny flames, dark smoke trailing from the corner.

0000000000

Lando's Calrissian's mousey assistant poked him awake. "The batter missed all three swings."

"So?"

The crowd was now changing something: "_Dunk the slug! Dunk the slug_!"

Remembering the long tradition of this stadium, Lando picked up his microphone. "I hate this…Okay everyone!" he cringed. "It's time to…_Dunk! The! Slug!_"

High above the bleachers, sitting over a tub of slime, sat the galaxy's most notorious crime lord. Jabba the Hutt was wearing a Greenbay Packers cap and waving their flag. He bounced excitingly on the platform and repeated some phrase in Huttese that no one understood. Five lucky, annoying Star Wars brats were chosen from the audience to fly in X-Wings around the field, and try to hit the target that would make the slug fall into the slime. The small percentage of sober people left in the stadium prayed to the Force, Jesus, Allah, and whatever other deity they believed in, that none of the children would hit the target. Unfortunately, the Maker had a sense of humor.

Leia, Han, and Chewie were just finished cleaning themselves off, when a loud "_Ding!_" echoed throughout the stadium. The three of them froze, staring at each other. A moment later, everyone in the stadium was showered with slime. Han, Leia, and Chewie stood there, green slime dripping from their hair and clothes. Leia looked down at her slime-covered pop-corn, admitted defeat, and tossed it in a nearby trashcan.

An enormous Sandcrawler rolled through the Diamond, and the Jawas sprayed the stadium down with giant hoses.

"That's it." Han said. "Whoever wrote this fan fiction was on _drugs_. I am leaving!"

Chewie's cell phone rang. He answered, roared a bit, then handed it to Han.

"Hello? ….Cha'ching! I mean, yes Mr. The Hutt, of course we'll buy you a beer. How much did you say you'd you pay us?"

"I'll come with you. I need more popcorn." Leia followed them down into the Falcon.

Down in the stadium, the game resumed. Up to bat was Aayla Secura, the blue Twi'lek Jedi. She hit the ball on the second try and ran to third base, before General Grevious tagged her with the ball. He made sure to slam it hard, so it detonated and blew her up. However, he forgot that he too was within range of the explosion, and was also killed. Then it was break time again, for the fans, the players, and the writer.


	6. Old Rivals

**A/N: I don't own "Star Wars." **

* * *

Now that everybody was sopping wet, it was finally time for the Siths to bat. The double-death of Aayla Secura and General Greivous had shrunk both teams equally. However, the Sith team still had the biased Umpire as an advantage. They also had Darth Vader _and_ Mara Jade on their side, so things were sure to get interesting.

Vader hit the ball with his red light saber. He slowly made his way to Home Plate, marching one step at a time, breathing eerily. The Jedi who looked like a banana made to tag him with the ball, but Vader stopped him in his tracks, with his Force-choke trick. Banana-head gasped for breath and soon fell to the ground dead.

"Vader!" Obi Wan summoned up a blue lightsaber from who-knows-where (someone _did_ scream "My arm!" before it got to him). He blocked the Sith Lord. "Did you just kill someone in the middle of a game?"

"Yes."

"That's against the rules!"

"From my point of view…oh hell, let's just fight!" Vader summoned up his own red bat ("_My other arm_!") and they dueled.

"Tell me something Kenobi," Vader said, as they battled. "You look like you're about 20, but Luke and Lando Calrissian and those people are all here! When the hell does this story take place?" He swished; Kenobi blocked.

"Questioning the ways of the Force, Anakin. This always leads to the Dark Side."

Luke's boss and uncle, Owen Lars, stepped out onto the field and cupped his hands around his mouth, shouting to Vader and Kenobi. "Hey fellas, you're not supposed to be fighting with the bats!"

Obi Wan was now climbing up one of the light poles, swinging at Vader.

"What do you recommend now, Master Yoda?" Mace Windu asked the team's best player.

"Continue the game, we must."

"I'm all for that!" Mara Jade said, marching up to bat.

Mara Jade swung. And Lando had been right; she was pissed. She hit the ball so hard that it flew into R2 and blew some of his circuits, causing the poor little droid to start spinning in fast circles, firing hotdogs like machine gun bullets. The crowd went wild trying to catch them all.

Mara bolted, red hair flaming behind her. Yoda rose into the air and floated after her, reaching out to tag her with the remains of the ball. Barely glancing over her shoulder at him, Mara shoved the little green Jedi away. He half-bobbed, half-spun away, like a rubber duck in water. Mara slid into Home, making a vicious athletic sound through her teeth.

"Score for the Siths," Lando yawned.

From the out-bench, Luke bashfully waved at Mara Jade. Furious, the lady Sith Force-grabbed her purple saber, raised it over her head, and charged at Luke, roaring with rage. Luke's smile dropped and his eyelids raised. He ran into the storage tunnel, with Mara swinging her lightsaber at his heels.

* * *

"Yah we'll have a can of beer."

"And a thing of popcorn."

"Oh yah and some popcorn."

The clerk at the snack stand didn't answer Han and Leia right away. Finally, a slow, muffled, Australian accent, he said, "_Hello Solo._"

Han mentally dropped the F-bomb before looking up. It was the first person he had ever beat in a Rap contest. And the guy had never forgiven him.

"_Helloooooooo Boba_."

Boba Fett had a white paper hat over his blue helmet. His work uniform.

"That'll be $35.00." the bounty hunter said slowly, menacingly.

Han paid him. "See you 'round Boba."

"Likewise, Solo."

Han turned around and lead Leia and Chewbacca away.

"Guy conversations are short!" Leia said in a bubbly manner, eating some popcorn.

Han gave her a look like, _Huh? _as they climbed back into the Falcon.

"Okay," Han said, starting up his car. "We just gotta drop this beer off at Jabba on the other side of the stadium, and then back to our sea….ea….eats..."

In front of the ship was an asteroid field—of flying hotdogs. R2 was still malfunctioning from Mara's abuse.

"Han," Leia shook her head, whacking Chewie with her doggy-ear-like braids, "Don't do it!"

Han shook his head, wearing that excited lop-sided grin. "I _have _to!"

The car's rocket booster's flamed up, and they were off.

* * *

**A/N: I think I'm rapidly losing my sanity with each chapter I write of this.**


	7. 10 Times Worse Than Any Asteroid Feild

**What's that? I need to stop writing this awful story and get a life? Hey, even I get bored sometimes. You think I had a choice? **

* * *

Poor R2 was still spinning around the Diamond, firing a swarm of hotdogs into the sky. Mara Jade chased Luke through the stadium, while Obi Wan still battled Vader. By now, about two thirds of the adults in the stadium were too drunk to notice anything unusual.

The Millennium Falcon swerved and dodged around the flying hotdogs. As if to mock them, the big TV by the scoreboard played the asteroid field scene from "Empire Strikes Back." providing the John Williams music. Then again, it probably _was_ to mock them; Han's roommate was in charge of the video clips.

Han's eyes were fixed fiercely on the path ahead of them, trying to get them all out un-pulverized and un-burned.

"HOT DOG!" Leia screamed and pointed up.

Han screeched to the left before it landed on them. Then Chewie roared. Han swerved again to avoid the head of Jar Jar Binks (Nadine the 7-year-old had consumed great quantities of sugar by now, and was treating her new toy like a soccer ball).

"ELEPHANT!" Leia yelled, then looked away thinking, _What did I just say?_

Max Rebo, AKA the blue elephant Muppet from Jabba's Palace (and the rapper who'd lost to 50 Cent back in Chapter 2), was flapping his blue ears like Dumbo, wearing goggles, a scarf, and earmuffs like a WWII air force pilot.

Both parties displayed shock and terror. Han and the elephant both tried to move out of each other's way, and maybe too late; the elephant's trunk scraped against the windshield, leaving a crack.

"What the hell's that pirate doing to my car?!" Lando demanded from the announcer's box.

Han shouted, "You lost her to me fair and square! Get over it Lando!"

He returned his attention to the windshield, and moved just in time to avoid a shower of corndogs.

* * *

"You can't win, Darth." Obi Wan said calmly, as if the Apocalypse of all Baseball _wasn't _taking place right behind, below, and above him.

He and Vader were on the thin wall, dueling their way towards the scoreboard.

"Kenobi, if you can be 20 right now, Qui Gon can be alive, the Millennium Falcon can be a convertible, and Princess Leia can sport Spaceballs: the T-shirt!, than the Dark Side can win this baseball game!"

_Swish, swash._

"But we're not—Oh, excuse me, Luke." (Luke scrambled over the wall between Obi Wan and Vader, screaming his fool head off. Mara did a Jedi-leap after him, brandishing her purple saber.) "Anyway…But we are not playing baseball! We're having a light saber dyuel!"

Vader froze, with his saber halfway raised for another strike.

"And besides," Obi Wan pointed down with his lightsaber to the scoreboard they were now standing on. "I'm afraid the Jedi are winning!" Milwaukee Chicago

**SCORE:** MILWAUKEE JEDI: 332 CHICAGO SITH: 2

In a rage, Vader brought his lightsaber down onto Obi Wan, striking him down! Kenobi vanished, leaving only a pile of robes behind. His blue lightsaber went hurtling into the air.

"LIGHT-" Leia yelled, as the blade spun over their heads. "-Saber."

A moment later, the blue elephant's head smacked into the windshield.

00000000000000

Quick as a cartoon, Luke pulled himself back up the wall and looked down at what was left of Obi Wan. "NO!"

Mara joined him on the wall. "He might not be dead," she shrugged. "I mean, he really just vanished and…left his cloths behind…"

A fan girl in the bleachers, who'd made a hideous attempt at Princess Leia buns in her hair, stood up and exclaimed, "Let's find Obi Wan!"

Other girls squealed in agreement and they were off on a scavenger hunt.

The Umpire had had enough. "There will be SILENCE!"

The old Sith sent a pair of lightning bolts out at everything metal. The Millennium Falcon was electrocuted on the outside, and then fell strait to the ground, landing on its tires.

R2D2 shook and went high-wire for a moment. The flying hotdogs ceased, and R2 was left dented and smoking. He wobbled off, tilted to one side, and bleeping like a slow, dying record.

The stadium was silenced.

"Woooa," Luke was impressed by the Dark Lord.

* * *

Leia, Han, and the wookie/collage boy sat in the smoking car in silence. Eventually, Han said quietly, "I need a cold drink."

Chewie growled a question.

"I don't care, the closest thing with bubbles in it!"

Without thinking, Chewie swiped up the can of beer and slammed it down in front of Han. And without thinking, Han chugged it before Leia, who'd just looked up at the "Dunk the Slug!" platform and gasped, could stop him. The college student released an amazing burp, and collapsed over the steering wheel. He sighed. Then he looked up, and gasped.

They were on the TV screen.

"Did you all see that?" Lando laughed into his microphone. "Maybe I'm wrong, but wasn't that beer supposed to be for Jabba the Hutt?!"

In his tub of slime, Jabba pounded his yellow ton-ton-shaped inner tube in a rage, and yelled in Huttese. The audience (or rather, the half left that hadn't passed out from too much beer yet) went, "_Ooooooooooo!_"

Jabba's devoted _Dunk The Slug!_ fans (mostly bizarre aliens and teenaged boys) began to emerge onto the field, surrounding the Falcon, closing in with blasters.

Thinking quickly, Leia pointed to the crowd of Jabba's minions and yelled, "Is that Obi Wan Kenobi?!"

While the screaming fan girls trampled the bad guys, Han started up the not-quite-dead-yet car, and they were off.


	8. No Making Out Under the Bleachers Please

**A/N: "Star Wars." Don't own it. **

* * *

Aside from the squealing fan-girls and the escaping Millennium Falcon, the Umpire had everybody's undivided attention.

"Now," he announced coldly, "From this moment forward, this game shall be about Baseball. Not lightsaber dyuels, _baseball_. Not adolescent rivalries," he looked at Mara Jade, and then to Boba Fett at the food stand, "Not sex," his glare silenced the fan girls, and 50 Cent stopped smirking and put his shirt back on. "…_Baseball_."

The Umpire sat back down in his throne. "The next Inning starts in 15 minutes, because I SAY SO! You all have that long, and no longer, to resolve your moronic vendettas, train to be Jedi Knights, and fulfill your disgusting girlish fantasies. Then, the game will resume and it will be calm and efficient. Carry on."

"He sure knows how to give a pep talk." Luke said admirably.

"Come, Skywalker. Train you to be a great Jedi I must, and fifteen minutes have we! An obey-and-reward training session the Jedi team has set up for you. Now, the hotdog-shooting droid, where has it gone to?"

"Eh, coming." Luke waved sadly to Mara and followed the senile Muppet across the field, to the other Jedi.

Mara waved back awkwardly, feeling very confused, and returned to join the Sith Team.

* * *

The Falcon was parked under the bleachers, where the mascot actors were taking a break, sitting on their long Bantha costume drinking soda, and a creature with green hair and antenna (from the Teenager species) was trying to sell people "death-sticks". Han, Leia, and Chewie were working on repairing the car, since hiring somebody else to do it would cost money.

"No no you hairy oaf! This one goes there, _that_ one goes there."

"Raaagraaaa!"

"It _does _matter where the bumper stickers go! We need 'Run Hillary, Run!' on the front of the car! Get it?"

"You sexist schmuck." Leia snapped from under the car.

"Oh?" Han, inside the convertible, leaned over the door and stuck his head underneath to face her (even if upside-down). "Not that _you've_ been thinking and _sexist_ thoughts, Princess! Admit it, you haven't been able to take your eyes off me since I saved you from playing Legos with your hairpins!"

"Why you!" Leia slid out from under the car (smacking Han in the face with her head), and stood up. "I don't see how _anybody_ could be attracted to a scoundrel, who has no respect for authority, has more bounties on his head than the Smurfs have ties with Communism, can kill a bloodthirsty villain without the power of the Force to cheat with," she paused. "Well, I suppose you are kind of sexy,"

Chewie made a puke face as they started smooching, and ran to the Wookie room to vomit.

"Death Sticks?" the green-haired teen asked, when the wookie stepped out of the restroom a moment later.

Chewie sent him a swipe that sent him rolling into the bleachers. A gold protocol droid in a ruffled maid's dress waddled passed, vacuuming the metal ground. He stopped, then backed up to Leia and Han.

"Excuse me," he tapped Han on the shoulder. "I'm sorry, but there is no making out under the bleachers, please,"

Leia shot out her hand, shooting a force wave at 3-PO that knocked him clean through the stands and into the field where the Jedi were practicing. Luke's helmet had a blast-shield down over his eyes, and was trying to hit the thermal detonator with his green saber.

KLABOOOM!

"_My leg!_"

"No no Luke, try again." Qui Gon Jin nodded to R2D2.

R2 bleeped, and shot out another ball.

"Oh dear R2," 3-PO whined, brushing off his maid's dress. "I've had the most peculiar dream,"

WHOOSH!

"Almost," Yoda nodded. "Hit something round and metal you did, but the ball it was not. Now pay for a new protocol droid, we might have to."

"What's with all the decapitation at this game?" Windu demanded, then checked his Mickey Mouse watch. "By the way, one minute."

"Last one Luke."

R2 shot out a final thermal detonator. Luke trusted his feelings…and hit it! R2 bleeped gleefully and shot a hotdog, which Luke caught in his mouth. The Jedi all cheered, ignoring the small explosion behind them and the scoreboard falling down on one side with a loud creek.

**A/N: Sorry this was just a bunch of character development dribble. I should have more sugar inspirited in an hour or two, after my sisters and I have made some brownies.**


	9. Beer Fest

**Disclaimer: Oh, ho ho ho Lucas, (evil grin) someday, everything you own, **_**everything you love**_**, will! Be! **_**Mine!**_** (hand spirals into an evil fist)**

**(I don't own "Swan Princess" either. But that frog Jean-Bob was frikking awesome. And the puffin too.)**

**I hope you all like lots of movie spoofs.**

* * *

If one looked at the window of the announcer's box, they'd see a human body in a purple 70's shirt and cape with the head of a googlie-eyed gungin. Below, Nadine the second-grader clapped her hands and laughed.

Lando Calrissian yanked Jar Jar's head off of his own and tossed it into the bleachers. Not changing his irritated expression, he grabbed the microphone. He had just about had it with this job.

"Ladies, and—" a bottle shattered against the wall next to him, frothing blue Tatoine ale streaming down the wall. Lando finished through clenched teeth. "_It is time_ for the Fifth Inning. I also feel compelled to warn you that my technician is dead, and there's a message on the wall written in her blood saying 'Going crazy, loud customers, drunk Jawas, kill you all, stop the voices'. I don't remember how any of that happened, but it's written in my handwriting. So please simmer down if you want to live!

"Now then; Qui Gon Jin is up to bat…looks like Darth Maul's gonna try sneaking up from behind and tripping him, lousy cheating Siths…WOA-HOH, would you look at that! Jin just looped Maul in half! Ya that was an accident, suuuure."

Darth Tyranus chased after Qui Gon with the ball. "Count Cuckoo's gaining on him," Tyranus lunged for Qui Gon. The Jedi master glanced behind him, then did a Jedi leap to Home Plate. Tyranus fell and landed on the thermal detonator himself. "Ooo, that's gotta hurt. I was not imagining any of you guys in his place when he did that, by the way."

The scoreboard now read read:

MILWAUKEE JEDI: 8675309 CHICAGO SITH: 3.14159

The bantha mascot stampeded across the field, with one arm sticking out from under the fur, waving a flag. It rammed into the walls and knocked over several Storm Trooper guards.

"Your turn it is, Luke."

"I know it's my turn, you green furby." Luke ignited the fiery bat. Pink. He wrinkled his nose.

"More respect for your elders an apprentice should show, the ones who are training him to be a Jedi, especially for."

"Look I can't understand a word you're saying Yogurt so—" Luke gasped.

"Luke?" that's Windu.

"Han…Leia! They're going to be in great danger! Oh yah, and Chewie too."

"A premonition, have you?" Yoda asked.

"Shut up." Luke said absent mindedly. (Yoda's eyes narrowed, and Windu's widened.) "I sensed anger…and fear…and…inebriation?"

"_Luke,_"

"Woa, what was in those peanuts?"

"_You are not high Luke. It's me, Obi Wan! I'm talking to you in your head! You must chose now between the lives of your friends, and your desire to become a professional baseball player._"

Luke looked around the field, looked at the storming sea of fans and Styrofoam light sabers, at the Jedi and Sith waiting for him to make a move. "Phht. That's easy."

"Can I pitch now?" Mara Jade asked impatiently.

"Why yes Ms. Jade, you may. And thank you for waiting." Luke said raising his bat and spinning it.

"I thought she was on the other team," Windu whispered to Qui Gon, who shrugged.

"_Luke, trust your feelings,_"

"If I did that I'd be over at the pitcher's mound." Luke muttered, and hit the thermal detonator with his pink bat. He outran Darth Vader (who was walking slowly and dramatically, as usual) and skidded into Home.

00000000000000000

His three friends who would soon be in "danger" watched the whole thing from the bleacher seats, just above the wrecked car.

"Yeah, Luke!" Leia waved her Jedi cap. "I sure wish I knew how to do a Jedi heeling trance, so I could fix this stupid arm and join the team again." She glanced down at her arm, still in its cast and sling.

Han, as usual, was not paying attention to the game, but mouthing along to the boom box that he was bouncing on his shoulder (Usher: "_Yeah_", great song). He suddenly froze in mid-bob.

"Raaa?" Chewie turned to Han questioningly.

"Hang on Chewie," he turned off the radio.

"Han?" Leia sat down and put her cap back on.

"Shh!…I sense something….a presence I've not felt since…."

And then, from the distance, another radio. "_At the car wash…working at the car wash yeah,"_

"Disco?" Leia raised an eyebrow sarcastically.

"I've break-danced to this song before, back when…Boba Fett…BOBA FETT! AAAA! INTO THE CAR!"

Han dove through the seats like the Cowardly Lion going through the window in Emerald City. Leia and the wookie followed.

The bounty hunter flew down with his jetpack, blaster out. Perhaps he could have looked more threatening if he hadn't still been wearing his paper hat from work. But Han was terrified all the same. Han punched Boba away just before he landed in the car.

"Ow," Han grabbed his fist (he'd hit it against a metal helmet, after all). He frantically turned the keys, trying to start up the used-car's engine. The plush Kenny (South Park) key-chain dangling from the mirror swayed as the car shook.

"Graaaaa!"

"Yes Chewie, I know we can't go to light-speed,"

"Who cares!" Leia shouted. "Just drive!"

Boba Fett ignited his jetpack and flipped onto the back hood of the Falcon—just as Han fired it up and drove off. Fett fell backwards, knocking over the green-haired teenager.

"Death Sticks?"

Fett disintegrated him.

"What's that behind us?" Leia shouted.

"Arrraaaa!" Chewie roared.

"Jabba's sail barge?" Han replied. "Why does that giant slug just happen to own a sail barge, he doesn't seem the type to be into water sports. I've never even seen him _move_ on his own!"

Indedd, Jabba's sail barge soared after the Falcon. Riding aboard was an armada of "Dunk the Slug!" fans. The Jawas, three-eyed-things, teenagers, and other nightmarish Dunk the Slug! fans were shooting at them with lazer-blasting versions of Tommy Guns. Leia grabbed Han's gun from his belt.

"What are you doing?"

"Somebody has to save our skins!"

As Leia retaliated in the drive-by shooting, two other cars that were also engaging in a chase scene and violating the speed limit drove up besides them. People in black leather and sunglasses were jumping around on top of the cars, fighting agents in dark suits. A dark, bald guy whose shades somehow stayed on without legs leaped onto the Falcon next to Leia. He offered her a machine gun and a Machete.

"Oh, thanks!" she accepted the gifts.

The weirdo nodded, and did a slow-motion/sped-up jump back to his own brawl.

Leia shot her machine gun with her good arm and used her bandaged hand to levitate the sword in front of her, dismembering Slug! fans' bodies with the Force. The good, light, gentle, peaceful, Jedi side of the Force. Chewie did not need weapons to pull peoples' arms out of their sockets because, as mentioned before, he was a collage boy.

Han cringed and ducked the princess's twirling blade. "Watch it, will ya!" he turned in her direction to yell, just seeing his rear-view mirror out of the corner of his eye. He did a double take, grabbed the mirror and stared at it.

He saw the jaws of a roaring tyrannosaurus rex, and a warning written on the mirror: OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.

"What the…?"

Sorry readers, couldn't resist.

Chewie roared and caught the dinosaur by the jaw, tossing it behind them all. It crashed in the middle of the baseball diamond. Yoda bounced over the T-Rex to Third Plate. Darth Tyranus curiously stuck his head into the dinosaur's jaws. A moment later he no longer had a head.

Back at the car chase, Leia shot the sail barges gas-tank, stopping the vehicle and killing three Piganoids.

"Yes! We rock Chewie! Oh, Han, Boba Fett!"

Boba flew over the car and kicked Han off.

"Han!" Leia glanced back at the empty driver's seat, and jumped to the steering wheel.

Han got up and started running, even though he was unarmed against twenty drunken Slug fans with Tommy Guns, plus a sore loser dripping from boot to helmet with bounty-hunting weapons.

They chased him on foot all over the stadium, through the bleachers, passed the ice-cream stands, through the inflatable-Gungin City, and at one point Lando's announcer box.

"Lando!" Han glared at his roommate.

"I'm sorry I blew your cover about that beer thing, I didn't have a choice. I had to do something to distract the Sith and the Jedi fans from throttling each other!"

Han pointed accusingly, ready to spat an insult he'd heard from the South Park movie, when his pursuers caught up to him.

"Eh, later." He bolted.

Eventually he lost them, or so he thought. He was at the lowest part of the stadium, where janitors and batboys like Luke worked. He heard the bad guys stomping down the stairs behind him. Han looked around for a hiding spot…the Freezer!

He ran through the opened door, into a frosty storage room, walls lined with shelves of beer. And also Jabba the Hutt himself, sitting at the very back wall, laughing with a few of his cronies. Jabba's monkey-lizard cackled.

Han screamed and turned for the exit, only to find Boba Fett and some _more_ of Jabba's cronies. They got him cornered against one of the sidewalls.

"Jabba! I'll pay you back, I swear, those beer cans cost like two bucks at Save-A-Lot,"

"Ho ho ho ho ho!" Jabba rambled in Huttese, and he and his minions raised giant hoses. The subtitles under the slug read: YOU LIKE BEER SOLO? GOOD. DROWN IN IT!

"_Nooooooooo_"

Gold, frothing, beer burst from the hoses…

* * *

The Melinium Falcon screeched to a halt at the top of the staircase. Leia jumped out and tore through down to the freezer.

"Han? Han!" she panted. "…not too late…please don't be too late….Oh no no _nooohohohooo_," she fell to her knees in front of the side wall, and shook her head.

From the car, Chewie growled a question.

"He's been frozen in beer!" she threw her Jedi cap down in disgust.


	10. Jabba's Cheerleaders

**A/N: I own none of these movies, celebrities or shows; only the moronic fanfic that binds them.**

**On a side note, it's funny to me, into see which things I was obsessed with at the time I wrote this fic back in high school; which movies had just come out in theaters, and which older ones I'd just discovered and fell in love with. **

* * *

The dark storage hallway was…dark.

It was dark because while the Storm Trooper security guards were busy chasing every wookie/collage boy, princess, bounty hunter, and giant slug out of the area, one of the Troopers stupidly took on a dare from his fellow guards, and stuck one of the beer-hoses in his mouth, chugging until he was drunk enough to pick a fight with a wookie. After poking Chewbacca several times, going on a drunken rant about how the Wookies were responsible for all the wars in the Star Wars galaxy, and then yelling sexist comments to the wookie's companion, poor Employee Gibson found himself hurled (by Chewie, not Leia) across the room, and into the box that controlled the lights.

So now the hall was dark and eerie, except for a few dim bulbs; empty, except for the occasional security guard walking past the freezer; and silent except for the quiet, suspenseful violin music that sounded suspiciously like the "DaVinci Code" soundtrack.

A mascot slowly crept into the hall. Not the multi-person bantha mascot, but a single intruder, dressed as Tilly the Tonton. (Picture something like the Wisconsin rattler-snake, only much bulkier, and much, much stupider.)

As Leia walked down the hall in her mascot disguise, a series of beeps and bloops began to play "Hall of the Mountain King." Leia lifted her Styrofoam mask to peek at the droid, causing the curly horns to flop around.

"Shh! R2, cut that out."

"Bleep boop."

Leia lowered her mask, and continued down the hall. The "Tonton" swapped salutes with a Storm Trooper and strolled along, ducking into the freezer when the guard's back was turned. After carefully stepping over a series of red light beams that she assumed were dangerous, Leia was in front of her lover. Han Solo was still encased in a slab of frozen beer, with an expression right in the middle of switching from horror to "Ooo, this tastes good!" She carefully lifted up the whole slab, and made to get out of the freezer ASAP….

…When suddenly a _whip_ caught her around the ankle!

_Indiana Jones?_ She thought, as the beer cube fell to the floor and shattered, freeing Han. _But Harrison Ford's right here!_

R2 beeped a warning. Leia turned to see what looked like an albino man, blond hair, vengeful, manic look on his face, standing in the doorway in a dark robe, holding a whip.

The psychopath rambled in Latin. "Semper ubi sub ubi!"

After a few seconds of being stared at, he began to chant a well-known, ancient tune: "_Guess who's back, (back, back) back again_…"

Leia gasped. "It's you!"

"Yes, it's me!" Emminem laughed.

Until a bolt of electricity shot him in the butt.

The rapper yelped and whirled around. R2 beeped with laughter, spun around and bolted. The enraged rapper ran after the droid.

Leia shrugged, and helped Han up. "You have hibernation sickness."

"Eh…wha? Ever'thin's all blurry!"

"You're drunk. Your eyesight will return in time."

"Who is this?" he slurred, looking up at her. "What am I lookin' at a…a puppet? A creepy puppet thi…" He screamed. "I'M IN PEWEE'S PLAYHOUSE AGAIN! AAAA!"

"No you moron, it's a mask! I'm Leia!" she yanked off the cartoony Tonton mask, and wacked him over the head with it.

"Leia!" he smooched the mask.

Groaning, she took him by the arm and hauled him out of the freezer room…and right into the Storm Trooper she'd saluted to earlier.

The trooper raised his head with suspicion. "Ma'am, you do not have clearance to be in this room. And your friend does not appear to be sober. You kids wouldn't be stealing beer from the Death Ball Stadium, now would you?"

Leia shook her head. "We're not stealing alcohol, it's a misundersta—"

"OH YA?" Han interrupted. "_You're _eyes look glazed Officer, 'ave you been eating _doughnuts?_"

Leia face-palmed.

* * *

"It is Darth Tyranus's turn to bat. Yes folks, apparently falling on a bomb does not kill you."

"It was only a flesh wound!" the bearded Sith announced, in that deep voice of his, missing the ball with his red striped lightsaber.

"Sure." Lando said. "Just like falling into a volcano, having your entire body frozen into ice, and being shot by a laser gun doesn't kill you, but Padme and Shemi Skywalker and Yoda can just drop dead whenever they feel like it. Anyway…_strrrike one_!"

Tyranus struck the ball on the second try. He strolled by all the plates with his nose in the air, fwooshing his cape behind him. Yoda rose into the air to float after him.

"No hovering is permitted!" The Umpire suddenly bellowed, and with the flick of his hand, he sent Yoda to the ground.

Yoda desperately to tag Darth Tyranus with the ball, running as fast as his tiny green legs would carry him.

Lando shook his head. "Not a good day for the freedom of the galaxy, is it. Another score for the Chicago Siths! And according to the scoreboard it's time for the…Cheerleaders? I thought that was a football thing…well I don't know anything about sports anyway, I've been guessing at this commentary the entire game. Bring out the cheerleaders!" Lando added to himself, though still into the microphone, "This should be fun!"

Two large doors opened to the field. Jabba the Hutt rolled out on his giant platform, accompanied by his usual scum of aliens, teenagers, and drunkards. He still wore the Packer hat and waved the Packer flag.

Five women in gold chains followed, in red-and-gold bikinis and miniskirts. Their hair was bizarre as usual, and they each wore what looked like two bushels of red-and-gold ribbon in their hair buns. The Cheerleading Line Up was thus: Princess Leia, Padme Amidala, one of the Obi Wan fan-girls, Paris Hilton, and that green woman with two tails coming off her head—her name is Oola for the record.

"Mom? What are you doing here?" Leia stared at Padme, astonished.

Padme was furious. "Leia! I've told you about going outside dressed like that!"

The bantha mascot waddled over to a boom box in the corner (next to a microphone of course) and put on the sixties music from Austin Powers. The lead person inside the costume stuck his head out to hiss, "Remember, this is your punishment for causing mayhem to the Umpire's stadium! No dance equals no bail!"

"It's not _his_ stadium!" Leia protested, pointing to the Umpire.

The other girls pulled the red-and-gold bushels from their hair, which turned out to be pompoms. The other four began running around the baseball diamond, doing cartwheels, dancing disco, lifting each other, dropping each other, and so forth. All seemed a bit reluctant, except of course for Paris Hilton. Leia just stood, looking like she was ready to kill somebody.

"That one's hot!" Luke said, pointing to Padme as she ran by. His mother smacked him with her pompom.

While the girls were making a pyramid, with Oola on top, a trapdoor suddenly opened right next to them. They toppled, and poor Oola went screaming down into the pit. A monstrous roar was heard. Paris Hilton pointed and laughed, until the Obi-wan fan-girl casually kicked her in too. Paris died horribly. The stadium roared with cheers and applause for ten minutes.

"Come on Girl," the bantha mascot hissed to Leia, "Shake your stuff!"

Jabba tugged at Leia's chain and slobbered off something in Huttese.

Lando Calrissian stared. "Uuuuh….this whole thing is getting a little disturbing to watch…Okay now what's the princess doing here? She's taking her pompoms out. Is she actually going to dance now? No…swinging her slave-chain over her head like a lasso…MOTHER F-CKER, SHE'S STRANGLING JABBA IT! Not THAT's poetic justice! Why am I suddenly finding all this violence enjoyable?"

Jabba the Hut's eyes bugged out as he was strangled to death. His weird minions did nothing because they were all too busy staring at Leia's cleavage, which come to think of it is probably the same reason no one stopped her in "Return of the Jedi". Leia hopped down from the platform and sighed with satisfaction. She looked around the field, until she saw Luke.

"Luke!" Leia ran to her twin. "Have you seen Han and Chewie? We were separated!"

"I don't know. Why were you guys arrested, what the heck'd you do?"

The double-doors that the cheerleaders had entered through flew opened again, and Han stumbled out to Luke and Leia. He was still drunk. His jacket was over his head.

"Han?" Luke cocked his head.

"Attention everyone!" Han bellowed in a phony foreign accent, raising his hands in a greeting. "I am the Great Cornholio! Need T.P. for my bunghole!"


	11. Self Destruct

**A/N: I stole the "clothes later" joke from Hand Puppet Movie Theatre. I own nothing here except the insanity.**

* * *

"It's midnight folks…and I know this game hasn't even come close to ending…how does a baseball game end anyway?" Lando wondered. "Does somebody who knows a thing about baseball want to announce for a while?"

A hotdog flew in through the frame of the shattered window. Lando ducked it angrily. He cringed when a DARK SIDE! Styrofoam lightsaber followed and smacked him in the face.

The fans were getting restless. Even the fifteen sober ones left in the stadium.

"Um, uh," Lando leaned out the window. "Hey Umpire! How's this game supposed to end, huh?"

Palpatine activated his own microphone. "There shall be two more innings. Whomever wins the final one wins the game. Anyone who disagrees with this shall…"

"That's not what the rule book says!" A storm trooper shot up from the stands, and held up a book titled DENNIS RODMAN: MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY By Wikit the Ewok.

Palpatine lazily zapped the book in half with a bolt of Force lightning. He then did the same to the storm trooper.

"The Sith will now bat." The Umpire announced.

Qui Gon motioned to Leia, and she ran over. "I know your arm's broken, but do you think you can pitch with your good hand? We're running out of players, fast. Mara Jade just decided to go join the Sith team again."

She nodded. "Could I get some clothes first though?" she still wore the bizarre cheerleader bikini.

"No! Win first, clothes later!" Qui Gon levitated a baseball glove to Leia.

"Vader is up to bat again." Lando said dryly. "He hits it. Thank you Umpire, for making that thermal detonator float to his bat. The Sith is strolling down to First Base, Skywalker's chasing him…"

_Luke, use the Force—_

"Awe shut it." Luke snapped at Obi-Wan's voice, and lunged at Vader with the thermal detonator. Vader turned around and whipped out another red lightsaber.

"_GOOD GREIF!_" Lando toppled backwards in his chair. Pulling himself back up to the window sill, he said, "Did anyone happen to catch that kid's hand?"

"Oh man," Leia's stared at her brother, as he clutched his bleeding stump. "I'm never gonna complain about _my_ injuries again!"

Vader continued down the field. Still holding his wrist, Luke followed.

"Get back here! You-you can't just chop off my hand and, and keep walking!"

"I'm a Sith. I can do anything I want."

Luke smacked Vader's helmet with the ball. "I tagged you! You lose!"

Vader kept on walking.

Luke threw the ball away (it bounced into the seats, into the hands of a curious Ewok, who soon became a crater). "You! Are! Evil!"

"Which is why you should join me, Luke."

"I'll never join you! You killed my father!"

"No Luke." Vader stopped, halfway to the next plate, and turned to Like. "_I_ am your father!"

_**Drum roll, dramatic DUUUN!**_

Luke's jaw dropped. He let go of his arm. "Ouch!" he grabbed it again. He looked to the side for a moment, then came back to Vader with a confused expression. "You are?"

"Affirmative."

"…So can you like, shoot Force lightning out of your hands like the Evil Umpire?"

"Perhaps."

"Cool." Luke shifted slightly. "I wanna learn how to do that!"

The Jedi team and their fans were now staring jaw-dropped at Luke with disbelief (except Han, who was searching one of R2's compartments for anything with sugar.)

"You cannot learn this from a Jedi. Luke, join the Chicago Sith. The Jedi are boring, with their 'responsibility' and 'codes'."

Luke looked at his flabbergasted teammates. He looked over at the Sith, where Mara Jade was standing, with that angelically beautiful scowl on her face. He looked at the Umpire Palpatine, who'd shot such deadly, trippy, lightning-bolts.

"Hell _yeah_ I'll join you!"

"WHAT?" Leia cried.

"Kneel, apprentice." Vader demanded.

Luke obeyed. Vader tapped him on the shoulders with his red saber.

"Henceforth, you shall be known as Darth…..erm….Hammil. Yes. Welcome to the Chicago Sith, Darth Hammil!"

"I give my loyalty to you, my new master."

"_Luke, no!_" Obi Wan's disembodied voice yelled.

Luke ran eagerly to join the Sith team. Vader meanwhile completed his journey to Home Plate, winning another point for the Sith.

Qui Gon scratched his head with his lightsaber. "Well…this certainly stinks."

Yoda shook his head. "See that one coming, I will admit, I did not."

"We have one last round!" Leia burst out. "My arm's broken, and everyone else here's already gone! Who's going to fill in for Luke? We're screwed!"

In a rage, Leia levitated a peanut stand and threw it. The peanut stand smashed against the wall, just missing Han and R2's heads.

"Hey!" Han, still drunk, slurred. "Watch where yer throwin' stuff, sweetheart!" he made a 'get-lost' waving motion with his arm.

R2 then went flying in the air, past Leia and the Jedi, bleeping fearfully.

Leia gasped. "Han! How did you do that? You have the Forced?!"

"Huh?" Han looked around, blinking drunkenly. "What just happened?"

"I could've sworn he was a Muggle." Mace Windu said. He walked around his team, and spoke more loudly. "I have seen this before. A great many people appear to have no connection with the Force when sober, but are powerful Jedi when inebriated."

"Well get him onto the field before he sobers up!" Leia shoved Han onto the baseball diamond, and stuck a turquoise lightsaber in his hand. "Hit the ball and run to Home!"

"_Cornholio_…"

She pulled his jacket down from his head.

The Umpire announced. "The final inning shall now begin."

Leia pitched the thermal detonator. Han, a temporary Jedi, hit it on the first try and ran. Luke, or Darth Hammil, chased him with the ball. His stump had been hastily bandaged up, and was covered now with a Styrofoam SITH ROCK! Lightsaber.

On the left side of the stadium, Boba Fett muttered, "_Solo_!" and fired up his jet-pack…

On the right side of the stadium, Eminem tossed off his DaVinci Code costume (he was wearing his rap gear underneath, relax), and hissed under his breath, "Solo!" He pulled a cannon away from a group of Rodian Circus Clowns who sat in the bleachers. Eminem climbed in, swiped a lightsaber from a pair of dueling teenagers, and used it to light the cannon…

Han was crossing Third Plate when his two rivals crashed into each other in mid air. Emminem had fired himself from his cannon at the exact moment that Boba Fett had taken off with his jet pack. They collided in midair, right above Han Solo. The result was not only a huge explosion and flames, but somehow a colorful fireworks display too. Everyone in the stadium "_Ooooo_"ed and cheered.

Everyone except the commentator.

Lando stared ahead of him. He felt the heat behind him, smelled the smoke, heard the small crackling. On the verge of tears, he lifted up one arm to confirm what he didn't want to see.

"My cape." He tried to keep his voice steady. "They burned…my cape."

Taking a deep breath, the announcer picked up the microphone. He spoke calmly. "Ladies and Gentlemen of the Death Ball Stadium, my I have your attention please. I have just gone insane. In ten minutes time, I will shoot the core of this station, and causing it to self-distruct. Will all innocent men, women, children, and aliens please make your way to the escape pods. They are located behind the bleachers, spaced evenly between all the bathrooms. If you have trouble, just follow the signs. If you're too drunk to read them, just follow the crowd."

Leia, who'd been staring up at Lando, looked back to Han. "HAN RUN!"

Darth Hammil lunged for his ex-friend. The slick smuggler spun to the side, and the farm-boy slid face-first into the mud. Han dove into Home.

"Oh, looks like the Milwaukee Jedi win." Lando commented.

"What!" The Umpire stood up, outraged.

Cheers and boos broke out from the crowd that was melting out of the bleachers, towards the escape pods.

The Jedi Team surrounded Han, cheering. Leia smooched him. R2 waddled and bleeped joyfully, shooting hotdogs left and right. Chewie roared triumphantly, and caught a few hotdogs in his mouth.

Han shook his head. "I have such a hangover…what happened? Why's my jacked covered in mud?! Is my car okay?!"

"Won, we have." Yoda croaked. "And all thanks to this dirty, drunken little smuggler, it is."

"Really?"

"Yes!" Leia bounced excitingly. "But Luke's turned to the Dark Side. And your roommate's gone off his rocker, so he's gonna blow up the stadium. We have to get to the Millennium Falcon, ASAP!"

Leia, Han, Chewbacca, R2, and the Jedi team ran for the Falcon.

"Is everyone gonna fit inside?" Han glanced over at the team.

"Worry do not. Many purposes are these R2 Units built for."

R2D2 ranted off some bleeps and bwrrps, and his dome opened up. The little droid unfolded himself into a small grey-and-blue beetle car with rocket boosters, like the Falcon had. The Jedi team piled into the Bug, except for Leia, Han and Chewie, who jumped into Han's red convertible.

Mara Jade looked around fiercely at the evacuees. "Come on, Skywalker! We gotta get out of here!"

"Darth Hammil!"

"Sure, whatever." They ran across the field to the stands. Mara stopped at a pile of scattered lightsabers. "Ooo. Don't suppose anyone'll be missing these!"

Mara and Luke/Hammil summoned up all the abandoned lightsabers left in the stadium, as well as some blasters, machine guns, the thermal detonator ball, and a Klingon Bat'lah sword.

The escape pods were shooting out of the Death Ball Stadium. (It was pretty much the clip from "A New Hope" of the droids' escape pod blasting off, repeated about twenty times.) One window showed Nadine the seven-year-old waving bye-bye with Jar Jar's head, as she and her dad took off; another was filled from bottom to top with Ewoks, pressing their faces against the glass; last one contained with Darth Hammil and Mara Jade making out inside, with their new stolen weapons handing from their shoulders and belts.

* * *

The Umpire, his troopers, Vader, Darth Tyranus, and some of Jabba the Hutt's minions remained on the baseball field.

"Sir," a Storm Trooper asked, "Maybe we should ah, find an escape pod?"

"That would require me to walk, you fool. You know that I never move out of this throne. Why do you think I always communicate to Vader via holo-phone? Why do you think I always have Vader or Mara do all my fighting for me? I am the Umpire! I shall not strut about the ground like a commoner!"

"So," Tyranus's eyes darted about thoughtfully, "You're not that much of a Sith at all, you're just a lazy bum."

"What else are evil rulers for?"

"You _are_ pathetic." Vader mused. "I will obtain an escape pod. I hereby declare myself the new Galactic Umpire!" he turned and headed for the escape pods.

"You- you can't overthrow me! You're nothing but my apprentice! I am Umpire Palpatine!"

"You gonna do anything about it? You Old Fart?" Darth Vader taunted.

"Get back here! Tyranus—Stop!"

Tyranus, the Storom Troopers, and the rest of the bad guys followed Vader to the last escape pod. A green alien, played by the obnoxious so-called "comedian" Rob Schneider, was about to enter the last pod. Tyranus lazily zapped Schneider with a Force lightning bolt, killing him. They took the pod and left the stadium.

* * *

The Falcon swooped by the core of the stadium/space station. Lando Calrissian was laughing manically, bug-eyed, holding Eminem's machine gun.

"Lando!" Han called. "Want a lift? Or do you want to go down with the ship? And if you do, can I have your 'Magic' cards?"

"_NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA__**HAAAAAAA**__!_" Lando pulled the trigger, blasting the pillars that held up the core.

As the huge metal core began to fall towards the floor, Lando jumped onto the hood of the Falcon, still cackling. Han flipped a switch, and the car's cover-top unfolded, covering everyone who was actually sitting in the seats.

The Millenium Falcon soared out of the Death Ball Stadium just before it exploded.

"Yes!" Lando waved the gun. "Finally! The stadium is DEAD! Take THAT you crazy—" _cough, gasp, wheeze_, Lando choked for air in the vacuum of space.

Han rolled down his window and pulled his roommate into the car. "Okay Chewie, lets get 'er into Hyper Space. Pizza Hut sound good to everybody?"

"Papa John's." Leia said.

Lando broke his insane laughter and agreed calmly, "Yes, Papa John's sounds good."

"Okay, Papa John's it is then. Set a course for Courasant, Chewie."

The stars stretched out, and the car zoomed away at Light Speed.

* * *

**THE END!**

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews!**


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